We Don’t Need You Anymore

It all started when I spilled beer on my cellphone and then my cellphone stopped working. I’m not convinced that the beer and the brokenness are related, but that’s the order in which they happened. We had been thinking about getting new cellphones for a while and when my cellphone started to make random high-pitched beeping noises as the screen flashed various neon colors, we agreed that the time had come. After the requisite obsessing over what phone and what plan to get, DH decided on a phone that is pretty nutburgers awesome. He refused to sell his soul to AT&T and sign a contract and bought an unlocked phone instead. This means that not only do we have a cool new phone, but we can also leave the country whenever we want and not have to pay to cancel our phone contracts. We can switch to any company with SIM cards, so we can leave AT&T any time we want. For the first time in my life we feel truly free! Right now, I am freely choosing to stay at my job and be responsible, but still, we could just drop and leave whenever. You don’t own us anymore, AT&T!

As I said, the new phone is fancy, but it has taken a week or so to get it configured to our satisfaction. The phone has a ton of great features (especially if you are a stalker because there are a lot of map-type programs that would be a great stalking aid – if you’re into that kind of thing) and also a lot of features that seem cool and then turn out to be kind of useless. When I came home from the work the other day, I heard DH saying random things like “WES ANDERSON,” “FLICKR,” and “INDIAN FOOD RECIPES” in a slow, clear, and loud voice into the phone. Apparently the Google search engine on the phone can be used vocally. It’s a great idea, except that every time DH tried to search for something like “GPS,” the search engine would search for something completely unrelated, like “wax” or “suicide hotline” for instance. The upside is that we now know a lot of good stuff about wax and suicide prevention. On Saturday, we used the GPS on the phone for directions up to my race in Indianapolis, except that DH said the route it chose for us was wrong, so we had to print directions off from the computer as well. But still, we have GPS on our phone now, Losers! Ha!

The new phone has pretty much made all of our existing technology redundant. Calculators, GPS devices, cameras, computers, and books can all be replaced with one phone. Our next phone will probably cut my hair, write my blog, do my dishes, and raise my future children to be well-adjusted members of society. Stupid know-it-all phone. I hate it.

DH has been taking a lot of pictures with the phone just to test it out. On the day before the half-marathon race, DH took me out for lunch at Steak and Shake and ordered a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake with candy cane sprinkles to go with my burger and fries. Best pre-race meal ever! I think that is what you call, “carbing up.”

phone pics 2

After the race on Saturday, and after a long nap, we ate dinner at Upland Brewery, home of the best burger in Bloomington, in my opinion. Our new phone has a flash which enables us to take pictures of ourselves in the dark while we wait for a table. Jealous?

phone pics 3

To summarize: we have a new phone. We no longer need you or your friendship. She fulfills us and tells us more than we ever wanted to know about wax!

4 Comments

Filed under Indiana, Marriage, Outings

4 responses to “We Don’t Need You Anymore

  1. GregK

    So, how is Lois taking the new phone? If you offend her without apologizing and then ask her for directions she may send you down some obscure country road. Wait a minute! She does that already, doesn’t she? Never mind.

    • thesicklychild

      You know Lois, she’s very finicky. Maybe if she and the phone hang out together a little then the two of them might be able to come up with a route that doesn’t leave us in the middle of nowhere!

  2. Onti Sue

    DH’s father told me about your blog yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner (for which I stuffed, roasted and transported a 22 pound turkey – the poundage noted so you don’t assume I transported my husband – oh yeah, I transported him as well). Great fun reading, but I pity you having but one cell phone – I have two which is such a joy – I am connected at all times to many people I don’t wish to speak to (mostly from my office). I also have a GPS which is handy, as I am a visiting nurse. The only problem is being in the middle of nowhere and having that nasty man inside the phone telling me I have arrived at my destination and there is no house in sight. Sometimes I would like to release him from the phone and squish him under my thumb – but I suppose being trapped in a cell phone is punishment enough. Keep on blogging, I am an avid reader! Hi to DH.

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